Yesterday was all encompassing anxiety. It's been years since I experienced that. About a month ago I came off anti-depressants which were mis-prescribed to me a couple of years back in error. I wasn't depressed, I was severely overwhelmed and my adhd had been missed.
The tablets supressed my emotions, not fully, but definitely dampened them. I didn't like that at the time but was so 'scared' of being that overwhelmed again, I carried on taking them.
Fast forward to now and I feel all my emotions very intensely, something that is very common in us adhders. I've felt pure excitement and joy again but on the flip side also struggled with impatience and at times anxiety.
I didn't think anything of the transition back to the office for my day job. In fact, I was looking forward to seeing the colleagues who're my friends. I have lots of good things going on in my life just now; my health, my son, my cat, family, friends, coaching clients, my studies and a home, all of which I'm hugely grateful for. But there's lots of it, lots of planning and organising. To neurotypicals this is likely to sounds like no real stress but with no set routine each week just now, I've felt overwhelmed. Planning and organising is a challenge. I can do it but my brain finds it very overwhelming and it's a lot of hard work. Add to the mix the challenge of being time-blind and I was off to a whopper anxiety wise.
Two nights ago I couldn't sleep due to the intense anxiety about the change in my routine the following day. It was unexpected and I can't lie, I didn't enjoy it one bit. I tried all my 'tools' to lessen it and tried hard not to fight against it, as that feeds it and makes it worse.
I had so much nervous energy I had to get out the house and do something physical. My son was with his dad otherwise that wouldn't have been an option. I sat at my local forest walk in the car, in the dark, waiting for it to get light. Being in nature called and no other running route would do. I ran, it lessened the anxiety but it was still there.
I made the decision to cancel my trip into the office for another time, as I didn't want to put any more additional pressure on myself after a sleep free night. I'll be prepared next time and take a different approach, what that looks like I've still to brainstorm and map out. But I do know that it's likely to take time to settle in and that's okay. I know the anxiety will wax and wane over this transition period. and that's okay too.
I slept well last night, and ran again. It was a beautiful morning, 2 degrees and bright sunshine.
My anxiety had subsided as it was due to be a 'normal' day working from home, no additional planning and organising pressures. I knew what as coming next and there were fewer steps.
I've wondered how I managed the pre-covid lifestyle of being in the office every day. I don't think it's necessarily the 'what' a lot of the time, but the transition from one routine to another that's the challenge.
Whilst the anxiety was uncomfortable at the time, I knew it would eventually pass, that's what kept me positive which helped. I also know it's likely to appear again, I'll acknowledge it and try not to pay it too much attention, leave it hungry so it's intensity lessens.